Dreaming vs. Doing: How to Work With Your Desires
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Episode Summary
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the difference between daydreaming about a different life and actually knowing what you want. Someone sent in a question about this—about feeling stuck in a cycle of imagining a better future but never really knowing how to get there. And I get it. It’s so easy to think happiness is somewhere else, in some other version of life that feels just out of reach. So in this episode, I want to talk about that—about how to tell the difference between dreaming and wanting, how to know if something is a real desire or just an escape, and how to bring more of what you actually want into your life right now. If you’ve ever felt frustrated with where you are but unsure of what to do next, this one’s for you.
Topics:
The difference between wishful thinking and real desires
Why naming your desires is important, even if they feel out of reach
How to work with your brain to bring the feeling of your future into the present
The danger of using dreams to disconnect from your life instead of inspire action
Practical ways to shift from "someday" thinking to showing up as your future self now
Episode Resources:
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Cecelia Baum Mandryk (00:02.178)
Hey, and welcome to Calmer Conversations, episode number 31. Today, I'm going to talk about the difference between fantasizing about a future life and kind of naming your own desires and dreams. And this is a question that somebody wrote in to me. So if you have questions that you'd like me to answer on the podcast, please write in. I have a few that are coming up, but know that if you do have a question and you want me to talk about something, that that's totally on the table. So send me an email, contact me on Instagram,
and I'll do it for you. Okay, so this person wrote in and they said that for the past few months or maybe even a year, they've been feeling really dissatisfied with their current life. And they're constantly imagining a life that is very different from this life. And frankly, they say far beyond my reach. I'm finding myself to be constantly thinking of that desired life and how to reach there. And then they go on to kind of ask the difference between fantasizing and being in
and having this desire. And I think it's a really important one. And so I'm going to try and tease this apart and give a little bit of coaching here on the call. But if this is something that feels like you're in, right, like you fantasize about this thing, whether it's an entirely different life or perhaps solving something in your own life in some magical way, this is for you. Or if you're just somebody who wants to figure out how to use coaching and mindset in your life, this is also for you. So stick around. OK.
So it's okay to have desires. It is having desires, I think, and this is not unique to me. This is a common kind of approach or view within the mindset world or coaching world is that your desires are guides. Your desires show you,
perhaps even the life that you're meant for or where you are perhaps supposed to be going in life, particularly if they're true desires versus ego-based desires. And so it is so important, I think, to have desires. And for some of us, it is so hard to even know what we desire that when you do have this desire, kind of pay attention to it, right? Like when your brain tells you, this is what I want, this is where I'm going, this is what I desire in my life,
Cecelia Baum Mandryk (02:23.064)
Write it down, capture it for yourself, speak it out loud, name it. This is actually something that I want. Allow yourself to be in that space. So I think it's important for us to do this even. we actually had a coaching session on this not too long ago in the Life Lab about how it can be really hard to name what you want. can feel painful, it can feel alienating, it can be scary to actually say, is what I want, or I want this bigger life or this different life for myself, for my family.
So naming it is, I think, really important. Opening yourself up to the possibility that that is something that maybe isn't beyond your reach, but maybe it is available to you and that big changes can happen. And we don't always know how they're going to happen or when they're going to happen. But if you listen to my college football episode from last week, for instance, somebody growing up.
might have had a dream of playing for Ohio State, right? And somebody might have thought like that's far beyond your reach. You're not a good enough player or you don't have the resources or no one in your family has gone to college. So it might've seemed completely out of reach for them. But having the dream and not giving up on it and allowing it to be real for yourself is crucial, I think, to actually getting there, right? So we can imagine some little kid saying, I wanna play for Ohio State. I wanna play in a national championship for Ohio State. And really claiming that and get clearing.
getting clear on that desire, I think is really crucial. it's like, I've used this analogy before, it's kind of like a GPS destination for your brain, right? This is where we're going. And you can always alter those, you can always change them, can revise them at any point in time, right? Like if you say you're going to New York City and then you decide, you know what, like I'd like to take a detour to, I don't know.
to skinectity. I don't know, something that just popped into my head, right? So you can go there instead. You don't need to go to New York City. So you're allowed to make changes, but writing out the vision for yourself is so powerful for your brain. And I wanna pair this with something else. Sometimes our brain creates these things and says, life will be so much better when, I can only be happy when.
Cecelia Baum Mandryk (04:38.07)
I will only feel satisfied when. And then we're kind of using the dream against ourself. And this is where these things can kind of get, I don't know, not helpful, not supportive. So there is this art of naming your desire, of saying that this is where I'm going, and even maybe even saying I am dissatisfied with my current life. But within that, trying to find places
trying to connect with the feeling of that desired life. So how do you think you're going to feel when, for instance, if we're using the example of this kid, when you are playing for Ohio State in the national championship, how do you think you're gonna feel? Maybe they'd feel strong, maybe they'd feel powerful, maybe they'd feel like an incredible athlete, maybe they'd feel like an important member of a team. So you can have all these different feelings, right? Maybe they'd feel really motivated and committed, maybe they'd feel confident, and you can...
you can, it's so important to get the feeling sense of this desired life, for this kid playing for Ohio State in the national championship. And then seeing if you can start to create those feelings in your current life, right? So bringing that pleasure, bringing that confidence, bringing that motivation into your life right now so that that kid is feeling like,
a contributing member of the team on a national level, like in a national championship, when he's seven playing football, right? When they're starting out. So starting to bring that in so that you can start to feel that way now, so that you can start to be living your bigger dream desired life in this moment. And this is
This is a matter of understanding your brain's stories that it's telling you, which is maybe like that life is impossible for you. You're never gonna get there. It's beyond your reach. Like nothing around you is good now versus switching and saying like, okay, this is where I'm going and I wanna feel grateful and I wanna feel powerful and I wanna feel like this big life is available to me. And I can start to notice those things in my life right now. I can notice where it's already possible. And...
Cecelia Baum Mandryk (06:59.284)
so that you can start to kind of marry this, your current life with your desired life. And knowing where you're going, but not denying yourself the feelings you want to feel when you're already there. Not saying that I will never be satisfied or this is never available to me or it's not possible, right? So you're walking this kind of fine line where you're saying, yes, I want this and that's where I'm going. And I can start to feel those things now. And I can start to feel
good in my life at this moment, can start to be grateful for the things that I have right now. So for instance, this kid who's playing football can start to feel really proud and grateful of every time they play on their like peewee football league, right? Every time they get the ball, every time they do that, they're starting to sense that they're already in fact living into this bigger part of themselves because they're doing what they're doing now and asking themselves, how can I show up? What beliefs can I have in my life right now?
that might be indicative of this person I'm growing into, of this person that I am becoming in the world. So I think, so to sum this up a little bit, having the desire is important, right? But knowing that the destination feels like the journey. And so for instance, this person playing football and they highlighted a couple people on the teams that made it into the national championship playoffs.
who transferred from different schools, right? So maybe they started out at one school, which maybe didn't have as great of a football program, but they performed really well there. And then they transferred to this other school that they had really dreamed of being at. And when somebody is able to do that, they're keeping their eyes on, for instance, Ohio State. And they're knowing that every step along the way is part of it. And they are playing as if they are that future player already now. And they are living in their head sometimes.
as that future person, right? They're calling themselves perhaps a Buckeye. They're recognizing where they already are showing up as an excellent player. They're claiming that for themselves now, knowing that that's where they're going. And they might, honestly, they might never make it to Ohio State, but they're in fact giving themselves the opportunity by claiming it as something they want and by bringing it into the moment now. So if you are somebody who is thinking that this is what I desire, but I don't know if it's available to me,
Cecelia Baum Mandryk (09:25.718)
I don't know if it's possible for me, claim it as possible. Say like, I am worthy of this, this is what I want, this is where I'm going in life and I don't know how I'm gonna get there or if I'm gonna get there, but I'm sure I'm gonna aim. And I'm gonna ask, how does it feel to be there? What do I believe? What is the version of me who is already there? What does she believe? What does she think is possible? What does she know to be true? And can I start bringing that into my daily life now so that I can start moving in that direction? Because ultimately,
And this goes back to like the challenge is part of the fun. Ultimately, like our brain is maybe telling you about that desire for a reason and it's helping you move in that direction. but you have to be on board. You have to work with yourself too. Okay. So those are my thoughts around, around working with yourself, with your own desires. if you have a question for the podcast and you'd like me to, to address it or to answer it or to play around with it a little bit, send it in and
For this person, know that it is possible for you, right? Or at least entertain the idea of it being possible. Maybe even look for somebody else who has done it. So for instance, for this football player, maybe they like look to someone else who came from a small town or no one in their family had gone to college yet or played a professional sport or played a sport in college. Look for other people like that to give your brain evidence that it's possible.
And then ask yourself, if I was already there, how would I feel? If I was already there, what would I believe? What would I know to be true? And how can I start to bring that into my life now? Okay, this is a short and sweet one. I hope that was helpful. If this is the kind of work you wanna do, if you wanna work with your brain, come join me in the Life Lab. It's my favorite place to be. I love the work that we're doing there and I would love to have you. All right, I'll see you next time.