you’re trying to change your behavior. that’s the problem.

You’re trying to change your behavior. That’s the problem.

Most people approach change backwards. It’s not that our intentions are bad- we want to change. It’s just that we place our attention on the wrong thing. 

In order to change behavior, we focus on behavior. 

Which seems to make sense. Until you learn a little more about how your actions work. 

There is a common model in coaching and psychology that says your thoughts drive your emotions which drive your actions.

So if you try to change your actions without first changing your thoughts, you’re fighting an uphill, generally unwinnable battle. 

Your brain has to be on board. 

Once we learn this, most of us go hard into self-reflection and affirmation mode. We ask, what thoughts would I need to think to get to the gym or feel empathy instead of rage or reach for my paints instead of the phone?

Again, this seems to make sense on the surface. But it often fails to work. 

Something critical is missing. 

It’s not your intellectual thoughts that drive behavior in the moment. 

This is why awareness of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors doesn’t automatically lead to change. 

There are two main parts of your brain- the thinking, prefrontal cortex part, and the reacting, survival amygdala part. 

When you’re reflecting, projecting, and planning, you’re using the prefrontal cortex. But when you’re in a familiar pattern, the amygdala is in charge. 

This matters because the thoughts you’re thinking with your prefrontal cortex don’t automatically filter down to the amygdala. And the thoughts you think out of the moment are often very different from the thoughts you think in the moment. 

But you are the operator. You can translate between the two parts of your brain. 

And you have a 3-second window where you get to do that work. 

The 3-second window that’s crucial for change is after the trigger before the reaction. 

In that short period of time, 2 things become possible if you interrupt and regulate. 

1) you get to learn what thoughts are localized and specific to this behavior with this trigger in this nervous system state. 

Most of us are quick to dismiss our in-the-moment thoughts because they sound silly, childish, or illogical. But like a child being scared in their safe room, they’re real thoughts to that part of you. Pay attention to what they are. 

2) you get the edit-rights to those thoughts. 

This is the only moment when you can actually go into this part of your brain and repattern existing neural pathways from earlier in life. 

The key to changing behavior comes down to regulation, validation, and self-empathy in that specific moment. It sounds a lot like re-parenting yourself. 

I was talking with a client the other day who becomes the note taker in big meetings. She wants to speak up. She has something to offer. But in the moment she can’t find the words. 

Her approach before was forcing herself to speak up. But she nearly always over corrected and was louder and more aggressive than she wanted to be. Plus it was exhausting trying to force behavior. The change and resolve never lasted for more than a few minutes. 

Here’s what implementing this process looked like for her. 

She’s preparing to walk into the meeting room or join the zoom. That’s the trigger. 

She pauses. She reminds herself she’s safe. She takes a few slow breaths. She repeats this until her body feels calmer. This is regulation. 

She asks, what’s happening in my body? What’s happening in my thoughts? This is getting curious

In that moment, it turns out that she feels scared. She’s terrified that she’ll be abandoned for speaking up. She’s afraid no one will like her if she contributes. 

This story has deep roots which we explore later. But right then, she says, I hear you. You’re afraid. That’s validation. That’s self-empathy. 

A cool thing has happened here. Not only has she learned what the real concern is but she’s created safety for herself in the moment. That means her prefrontal cortex can and does rejoin the party. She reminds herself she’s safe and that she is welcome at this table. She reminds herself she was hired for her opinion. 

She asks, if it was safe, if I was going to be accepted, how would I show up?

The most amazing thing is that without focusing on the behavior, her behavior changes. 

She speaks up. Naturally. Because she has something to say. She becomes the person she wants to be in the meeting. Because it finally feels safe to do that.

This approach goes against a lot of advice you’ve heard. But if that advice worked you wouldn’t still be reading this. 

This is what Phase 2 of self development actually looks like.

Not more discipline. Not better affirmations. Not forcing the behavior until it sticks.

Building the capacity to meet yourself in the moment, with regulation, with curiosity, with the kind of empathy you’d offer someone you love,  so that the behavior you want becomes available to you. 

You’re not trying to override the part of you that’s scared. You’re trying to get her on board.

When she feels safe, she doesn’t need to be forced.

She just shows up.

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