you can’t logic your way into change

Tell me if you’ve been here. You know what to do. It makes logical sense in your brain. You know it’s the path to better fitness or deeper connection or fulfilling professional dreams. 

But then in the moment you do the opposite. 

You do something that makes no logical sense. Your behavior goes against your goals. 

You skip the gym session. You yell at your kid. You shrink back in the big meeting. 

It’s embarrassing. Infuriating. Shameful. 

It doesn’t make any sense. 

The truth is. You can’t logic your way into change. Your brain doesn’t work that way. 

Here’s a quick- and very simplified- anatomy lesson. Your brain has two main parts. The thinking part of the brain- your prefrontal cortex- and the reacting part the brain- your amygdala. 

And while they’re part of the same brain, they don’t always talk to one another and they often don’t speak the same language. That’s why the Sunday decision to be more vocal at work doesn’t play out in the meeting on Tuesday.

The amygdala is fast, it doesn’t know the difference between thoughts and reality, it can’t tell time, and it uses all of your past experiences to protect you in the moment. It has a long memory. And like computer code, the lines of memory don’t get overwritten or replaced just because something new happened. 

The prefrontal cortex is slow, it’s an energy hog, and it’s brilliant at thinking about the future (or reminiscing about the past). This is where the executive function part of your brain lives. This is the seat of logic. It’s where you make things make sense. 

To put it very simply, you dream and plan with your prefrontal cortex but you act with your amygdala. And remember, they don’t always have the same information. 

I heard Seth Godin say that 95% of your brain does not “speak English,”. 

Ninety-five percent. 

That reactive part of your brain communicates through non-verbal processes. It’s emotional and fear-driven, not rational. 

Part of your brain is not rational. 

So when you decide to skip the gym for an episode of the latest reality TV show, it’s not self sabotage. It’s survival. 

And logically talking to yourself at that moment won’t help. 

So if logic isn’t the answer, what is?

I take my kids rock climbing every week. It’s a fun, small gym with lots of friends. But a lot of kids get scared. Whether it’s their first or 101st climb. 

There are 2 main options when that happens. The first is to use logic. ‘There’s no reason to be scared. You did this last week. You have on a harness. You can’t fall’. 

The second is to acknowledge their actual experience in the moment. ‘You’re feeling scared. I hear you. I want to remind you that you’re safe right now and you have a few choices. You can rest and take a few slow breaths. You can keep climbing. Or you can come down. What feels like the right choice for you right now?’

Option one says, let me logically explain the situation to you and you’ll see there’s no reason to be afraid. 

Option two says, I recognize and ‘permit’ your feelings -even if I don’t think that they make sense- I recognize this is the experience you are having and I can meet you there. 

I think you’ve probably gathered that I’m not really talking about rock climbing with my kids anymore. 

Most of us are fully committed to option one when we talk to ourselves.

Even though we know that option two is what we prefer when we’re having an experience with another person. 

Exactly no one in the crowd wants to be logic-ed to by their boss, partner, parent, or friend. We all want to be seen. We want someone to acknowledge our experience, feelings, and our current truth. Even if it’s different from theirs. 

Logic cannot overpower emotion. 

That is as true with external conversation as internal. 

Let’s take a page from the parenting example above. What does it look like in real time, in real life. 

I’m going to use the gym example today. 

It’s 5:30pm, you just got home. And you promised you’d do a quick clothing change and turn on your fitness app for a 30 minute strength and pilates session. 

But you feel the magnet of the couch drawing you in. Plus you just bought a new bottle of your favorite wine. 

Right now, this is your ‘I’m scared’ moment. Your amygdala has taken over. In this moment, the primary goal is to slow down. Slowing or stopping the immediate reaction is crucial. 

This might look like physically pausing in your entry way. Then you can get curious about what’s happening in your body. What thoughts are present. What emotions are there. 

I know it sounds silly but you can also remind yourself that you’re physically safe in this moment. 

You can take a few slow, nasal breaths. This engages the vagus nerve and sends a non-verbal, I’m safe’ message. 

You can ask, what’s really happening here? And because you’ve regulated your nervous system, you can get curious. Your prefrontal cortex is back online. You are now the go-between. The bridge between your amygdala and your prefrontal cortex. Between the reaction and your actual wisdom.

Now there’s a chance that the information you get will be illogical. I’m afraid someone will make fun of me. I’m scared to see myself in workout clothes. I don’t want to become one of those people. 

In this moment, you’re a kind parent, friend, or partner. Your job is to witness, not make sense of. 

This part of your brain wants to be understood.That’s what helps this other part of you feel secure enough to change. 

And when you can validate instead of convincing with logic, you get the edit-rights to the code. Change can happen. 

Your conversation with you might sound like this: Oh! I hear that you’re afraid exercising means we’ll become a different person. That feels scary and threatening. I get that. I understand why it feels safer to sit on the couch. 

(note that sitting on the couch is not about being lazy…)

Getting healthier now becomes about rewriting your story about who you are as a healthy person rather than forcing and logic-ing your way into workouts each week. 

It becomes about working with yourself because now you’re on the same team as yourself. 

The next time logic isn’t working — and you’ll know because you’ll be arguing with yourself and losing — slow down. Think of the kids on the wall. Ask yourself: how would I show up for someone I love in this moment?

Then do that. For you.